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It's that time of year to set resolutions. Or maybe you're more of a "flow with the seasons" person and will be focusing on making change at the spring equinox. Either way, CHANGE is on many of our minds. I hope the resolutions you're making: spark joy are rooted in your values are for YOU, and not for someone else or society's made up expectations come from a place of love and devotion, not guilt and shame are realistic, and rooted in tons of self compassion So what keeps us from following through on making change? What keeps some of us from even starting? And what stops us from even allowing ourselves to want something different? It's our brain. Or rather, the ways our brains have so ingeniously adapted to our past trauma and neglect. I know there's so much research out there on change. Great books on the how to make change like Atomic Habits give lots of tips, but so many of these guides and books don't take into account the person who is healing from trauma. Because trauma changes the way our brains and our nervous systems work. We can become more rigid or stuck in our ways than someone who hasn't been through it. This is called becoming wired for protection. Even though some of the ways we've been thinking and behaving suck, they have kept us alive until this moment. For example, patterns like people pleasing or dissociating (and all the subsequent trouble that inevitably follows for us from those patterns) are ways our brains have adapted to trauma. These are sometimes called "trauma responses" or "survival patterns. " And that's the part of our brains we need to address first. No "how to" or list of "tips for a New Year, New You!" is going to work unless we address the underlying patterns rooted in our past traumas. While this is a long, winding, non-linear practice, I can confidently share with you the most important thing you've got to focus on first if you're healing from past wounds and want to make change: Learn how to cultivate safety for yourself & in your life. The safer you feel, the easier it will be or your brain to let go of those old survival patterns and try some new behaviors. This is SO much easier said than done, and we all have different levels of privilege and agency to create safety in our lives. For example, someone who is blind and does not have appropriate accommodations and supports will feel less safe in the world than someone who is not disabled. Someone who is BIPOC in the US will feel generally less safe than a white bodied person if they get stopped by the police. Yet there are still things we can control, change, and set some boundaries around to feel more safe. I tell clients there are two parts to this: Internal safety . Which is mainly nervous system regulation and improves as we increase. . . External safety . Surrounding yourself with healthy secure relationships, leaving a toxic work environment, decreasing the amount of time you go home for the holidays with your hyper critical father and passive aggressive mother, maybe even changing your living situation. I acknowledge these things take time and resources, strategy and careful planning. But if you are being yelled at when you're at work, coming home to criticism and contempt, have a big health issue looming you keep putting off getting needed lab work done. . . it's going to be difficult for your brain and nervous system to want to let go of people pleasing and dissociating (as my example today) as those behaviors help you survive. Here's some action steps you can take to help you start creating more safety in your life: Do a safety assessment. Where do you feel unsafe in your life? Relationships? Work? Your home environment? If you're having difficulty, perhaps take a week to notice how you feel in your body around different people and environments. Where do you feel relaxed and peaceful vs. tight, anxious, on alert, or checked out? Your body is communicating with you all the time about how safe or unsafe it feels. Noticing and naming the state of your nervous system is an exercise I give my clients in our first 2 weeks of working together, and every single one of them notice they feel like they're in "protection" (dysregulation) mode much more often than "connection" (regulation) throughout the day. So if you notice your shoulders or your hips are often tight, there is no shame! Your body is doing a great job of staying in protection mode based off your very real past lived experience. Then be curious about what it would take for you to feel safe? Hiding in a cave on a mountain or running away to a convent (both ideas I've had in the past) don't count! But also let yourself dream about what it would be like to work in a better place, or set boundaries with your parents. With the right support, anything is possible. Remember, the safer you feel, the easier it is to change. And this also means, we can't change alone. Find a coach, therapist, trusted friend, faith leader, self help group, etc. to help you along the way. And for my astro friends: yes I am writing this just after Mars retrograded back into Cancer-reminding us to look at what actions we need to take to care for ourselves and create (emotional) safety. Let me know if this was helpful for you! With Compassion, Cassandra Peterson-Solano PS: Want to get voice notes with healing stories and support from me weekly? Join my new free channel on IG: Notes on Becoming

You may know that your childhood experiences impact your adult relationships. . but do you also realize that the PROBLEMS in your adult relationships were actually the SOLUTIONS in your childhood? Your patterns that you automatically keep repeating, that keep sabotaging your goals, that you feel ashamed of, but can't stop getting in your own way? All your childhood "survival patterns," or behaviors that helped you. Helped you find acceptance, care, attention, approval. This could look like people pleasing or perfectionism. Or perhaps they helped you stay out of harm's way by you silencing yourself, minimizing your needs, and self abandonment. If you relate to this try this next step: Think of one of those survival patterns that is no longer serving you. Next, place a hand over your heart and thank that pattern for helping to protect you, help you feel loved or accepted, and for keeping you safe in the past. Thank the wisdom of your younger unconscious mind for creating that patterns, however maladaptive, to keep you safe. We can’t hold judgement against or even hate parts of ourselves we want to change. We need to accept them, acknowledge their service, and gently release them. There were hundreds of times you had to survive. A difficult day, and angry parent, a moment of feeling shamed. It will take practice to rewire your brain by repetition of new behaviors that are contrary to our old survival patterns. Remember, self compassion always. Cassandra Solano, LCSW Childhoood trauma, childhood emotional neglect, adult children of alcoholics, emotional trauma, healing journey, trauma healing, healing trauma

Slow Down for One Minute friend. Feel your breath, either the air coming in and out your nose or your mouth. . . or the rise and fall of your chest. Notice what is easiest or most accessible to connect with. Feel one point of your body. Your feet on the floor, your bottom on the seat, the surface your hands are touching. . . just choose one point that feels accessible. Whether it's a place your connected with your breath, or your body this is your Anchor Point. Your Anchor Point is the place you can come back to as a landing place when your mind has run off and is spiraling , worrying, or ruminating. Your anchor point is your place where you can start to connect with your body when you're feeling dissociated or overwhelmed in fight or flight. Once you connect with your Anchor Point , see if you can slowly spread awareness from that place to the rest of your body. For example if you are feeling the air go in and out your nose as you're reading this. . . see if you can spread awareness across your cheeks, or follow the air down your throat into your lungs. This simple somatic practice can help us build our 'mind body awareness.' Something I'm sure you've heard the benefits about many times, but may have found difficult to actually do. When we're embodied , we're connected with the present moment. And your power and magic are in the ever present now. Are you connected to your Anchor Point? Do you notice focusing your attention on one point has shifted your awareness? As we regulate our nervous systems, our brain activity changes, and we engage our prefrontal cortex-or our "wise mind" vs our "survival brain." Our thoughts are much clearer and productive when we are embodied.
From this more grounded place, ask yourself these questions: What can you control right now? What good can you do right now? What change can you make right now? Sometimes the answer is an action, sometimes it's inaction. Learning to connect with our bodies, gage our varying capacity, and to do (or not do) what the moment calls for are how we reclaim our power in the now. . . and in the now our thoughts and actions shape our future.
This is also a powerful tool for sustainably being an activist for collective liberation.

"The truth will set you free, but first it'll piss you off." Gloria Steinem In case it hasn't happened to you yet, or no one has warned you yet: your healing journey will have difficult moments. Some of those moments will be grief filled, some sad, and some will piss you off. We may get in touch with the realities of how serious harm or abuse was by someone that we had minimized. We may get in touch with anger that we repressed because we weren't allowed to feel angry, or faced even more abuse if we expressed our anger. Another way "truth" might upset us is learning about own own shortcomings, stemming from survival patterns and trauma responses that caused us or others harm. A good therapist will gently guide us to seeing these blind spots of ours with safety & compassion, rather than forcing us to see something before we're ready and sending us into a shame spiral. I believe most people want to know about their blind spots, their shadow, or their areas to improve. If someone asked you "hey, do you want to learn something new about yourself that could really improve your life and your relationships?" you'd say "of course!" But what happens when that information is uncomfortable to hear, or causes us to shut down, become defensive, or even counter-attack? We may not have been as ready as we thought we were to hear that truth. As a therapist I provide scaffolding for clients to feel safe and strong enough in themselves to face difficult truths. I specialize in getting down to root causes of problematic behaviors and patterns with my clients. This isn't a one or two session event, but a therapist or coach who is skilled can do this work with someone who is ready in several weeks to months. How can you better prepare yourself to handle the inevitable difficult truths that will arise on your journey? The first is acknowledging that you (and when I say "you" here, I mean ALL humans on the planet) have room for growth, have blind spots, and have a BUILT IN resistance to change. Our nervous systems resist change as an evolutionary response. Imagine your ancestors foraging for food a thousand years ago and they find some new berries. Would you be the first one in line to try them to see if they're poisonous or not? Trying new things in this case could lead to death-and our nervous systems learned to avoid change for thousands of years. So when you discover some difficult truth about yourself, whether in a therapy or journaling session. . .you may notice those good ole cognitive distortions of minimizing, catastrophizing, all or nothing thinking, denial, or defensiveness kick in. . . to keep you safe.
This is the second step, observing your responses (in your thoughts, emotions, and body responses/actions) to learning some difficult truths. The third step is meeting it ALL with heaps of self compassion: your shadow or unhealthy patterns and the trauma that created them, your defensiveness or difficulty accepting this new information, and for not "knowing" better sooner. Be on the lookout for that sneaky but powerful growth stunter : shame. Remember you aren't a bad person, you aren't "broken" and you don't need to be punished for not knowing these truths about yourself sooner. Indeed, it may be because you pushed these difficult truths down that you were able to survive your trauma. These small steps can be foundational when we're on a healing, truth seeking journey. And PS: these steps are also crucial in the unlearning/deprogramming/decolonizing journey. . . Sending you lots of compassion on your healing, deprogramming, decolonizing journey! With Compassion, Cassandra Solano, LCSW

Hello! I'm SO glad you're here! Take 10 minutes to watch the video below if you're feeling stuck in realtionships, a pattern of thinking or behavior, and are healing trauma or childhood trauma and to learn how to break free from trauma responses like self sabatoge or self abandonment! You have always been doing the best you can with what resources, information, support, and history that you have. . . and you can empower yourself to change and experience trauma healing! If you'd like to connect with me more, I send a few emails out a month sharing inspiring stories, tips, resources, exclusive content, and early/discounts on my offers in my newsletter. When you CLICK HERE to sign up, you'll also get my free guide on "TRUSTING YOURSELF AFTER TRAUMA." Struggling with self trust, connecting with your own intuition, and self confidence are so common when we've experienced past trauma. These are also some of the most common concerns people who come to work with me share-that's why I created this free guide to support you. I'd love to hear what you think of the guide, and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out to me at: hello@cassandrasolano.com With Compassion, Cassandra Solano, LCSW PS:Not sure if you want to jump on the email list yet? CLICK HERE to watch more of my youtube videos, or CLICK HERE to listen to season #1 of my podcast: The Change Coven.

You may not know, but I use tarot in my own daily spiritual and self care practice. I find the tarot supportive, particularly the cards known as the "Major Arcana" which take us on a journey of change. The cards take us on a journey which includes cycles of change. There is a wisdom in the cards that life works in a cyclical or spiralic way vs. a linear way. This helps anchor me in my unlearning from oppressive systems programming I (and I think if you grew up in a Western society, you likely have too) which includes the belief that life is supposed to be a linear journey ; whether it be financial, marriage, career, or personal development. The story of the major arcana in tarot says "nope! You're going to take a journey, learn lessons, and once you get to "the end" you begin again." Two cards which I find so much comfort in are the "Hanged One" and the "Death" card. I know this sounds strange if you're not familiar, but "hang" with me a minute! (ok, lame mom joke) These two cards can be symbolized by late autumn & winter (a metaphor used by my tarot teacher, Lindsay Mack). The "hanged one" is like a leaf barely hanging on the tree-already dying but not quite dead. It's the time when we sense relationships, jobs, living situations are coming to an end but it's not "the" end yet. This can be a time marked by the stages of grief (denial, depression, anger, sadness, bargaining, acceptance) as some part of us intuitively knows the end is coming, but may not feel ready to surrender. This card brings me comfort in dark times when I feel I'm just hanging on, that a situation or a job is coming to an end, and I want to beat up on myself for it or label it a "failure." And it's because I know what the "death" card or stage is REALLY about that I have hope. The death card is the leaves on the ground, cracking apart, fungi breaking them down, and composting. We can think of it as a necessary "winter season" in an area of our lives or relationships. What nature teaches us is that this process of death and decay is not only inevitable, it's also necessary to continue life . The compost of the last season's leaves become fertile soil for the next season's spring blooms. There's also examples in religions that have been taken literally or metaphorically to illustrate this important lesson. The physical death of Jesus, the spiritual "death to Self" that lead to Buddha's spiritual awakening. Both represent dying to our old selves, and coming alive anew. All these examples remind us that to grow we must let the old go-as scary, uncomfortable, and painful as it may be. Our nervous systems DEFINETELY don't like to let go of old "survival patterns" like overworking, people pleasing, controlling, settling, etc. that helped us survive our childhoods but are now no longer serving us. You may have a pattern or behavior that you can see is stubbornly hanging on-like that last leaf on a tree in November. While there is no way to make it less painful, there is a path forward in change. It starts with acceptance of what is, and a heaping dose of self compassion and appreciation for all the ways that this old pattern or behavior may have served you, kept you safe, loved, and protected in your past. Then the goal is to create safety in ourselves through nervous system regulation; and in our lives through boundaries and clear communication. The more safe our nervous system feels, the more likely it will become open to change. Wherever you are on your change journey, I'm sending you so much love and hope you can hold yourself with lots of self compassion vs judgement, tenderness vs shame, and curiosity vs fear. With Compassion, Cassandra Solano, LCSW

I specialize in helping folks that have a past history of trauma, emotional abuse or neglect, and that come from dysfunctional families date intentionally, learn and implement healthy relationship skills . I chose this focus because I believe that one of the worst things about having a tough childhood or having inherited trauma, because your parents/caregivers are survivors of some kind of trauma, is that our nervous systems and our attachment styles are negatively impacted. When we experience nervous system and attachment wounding, we often end up in relationships that are not aligned.
These relationships can include romantic, friendship, relationships with our careers, collages, even food and money. You didn't ask for a tough childhood or to inherit intergenerational trauma. And I think it really sucks that all of our relationships are often negatively impacted because of things out of our control as children. But alas, here we are-struggling in relationships because of our unhealed wounds, dysregulated nervous systems, insecure attachment styles, unhealthy relationship skills and patterns, and despite knowing that we want to change-finding it challenging to break free of old cycles keeping us stuck. Having a dysregulated nervous system (being in fight, flight, freeze, fawn, shut down) literally impairs how our BRAINS THINK. Dysregulation impacts our PERCEPTION, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and subsequently our actions. I have had many clients who realized they were "people pleasers" (the fawning trauma response) most of their adult lives and ended up with friends who took them for granted and in one-sided relationships. Having insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style) impacts what we look for in relationships, how we engage in relationships, how we handle conflict, and SO MUCH MORE. We can all grow towards SECURE attachment no matter how old we are! First by starting to create secure attachment within ourselves, then taking that into our relationships Many of us did not see healthy relationship skills like communication, boundaries, conflict management, difficult convos around parenting and finances, etc. growing up. It's almost impossible to learn these skills without education, modeling, and practice. This is where mentorship, a healing community, working with a coach or therapist is crucial. We need to surround ourselves with regulated, safe people who we can learn from! Without having this vital socialization growing up, we often don't "click" with people with healthy relationship skills and feel people who mirror our dysfunctional childhood "resonate" with us more. You deserve healthy, conscious, aligned, fulfilling, life-giving relationships. It's possible for you to heal and learn to create them! I'm here if you're ready for support, I'm have some free guides on "Self Trust" "Healing Attachment Wounds" and "Authencity" to help you create healthy relationships. CLICK HERE to grab them! With Compassion,

Cassandra Solano, LCSW

Many of us don't think we had had a "tough childhood:" poverty, overt abuse, or other images of "childhood abuse" but we are still struggling with problematic behaviors and patterns, anxiety, depression, or other symptoms of CPTSD (chronic PTSD). Perhaps your your parents experienced trauma, or your parents are survivors of some kind of trauma, we end up carrying in us often what's called trauma responses, or what we might think of as character flaws or quirks or our own character challenges. Signs you may have "emotional wounds" from emotional abuse/neglect that are causing difficulty in your life might look like: being controlling, being rigid, being emotionally unavailable ourselves/others, or self sabotaging. But despite reading self help books, or even maybe knowing how to set boundaries, or speak up for yourself, it feels very, very challenging to implement the new pattern or the new behavior or to choose a different kind of partner. That is a really good clue that that the pattern is actually an ingrained trauma response. Something that your nervous system has adapted to in your brain has actually created connections called neuro pathways, that when you get stressed, automatically kick in, shove aside what you know you're supposed to do. I know some providers think we are overusing the word trauma, I feel like we under use it. A lot of us have experienced emotional trauma that haven't really realized it was emotional abuse or neglect. And are and or are carrying intergenerational trauma responses inside of us. And there's a lot of research to support this out there. It's worth re-examining our childhood experiences and our family's histories (if we can find out) and identify if any of the following behaviors were present in how we were raised (trigger warning): blatant gaslighting (you didn't see/hear/feel that), dismissing, minimizing, shaming, ignoring, teasing, manulipating, disapproving, withdrawing, withholding, scaring, intimidating, threatening, yelling, isolating, disappearing, abandoning, shifting blame, projecting, too ridged or not enough boundaries, parentification, exposure to age inappropriate info, age inappropriate expectations. What makes all of this more challenging is that we are brought up in families and society's that minimize emotional pain, ignore emotional trauma exists, and as I mentioned, gaslights our personal experience. IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING WAS TRAUMATIC, IT WAS FOR YOU. No one is in your body, living your experience, and there are so many variables as to what makes someone more susceptible to experiencing something as a traumatic experience. If you are wondering if you've gone through emotional abuse and neglect, CLICK HERE to watch a 20 minute video I did on this topic on IG this week. And to learn more about how childhood wounds are impacting your adult relationships, watch THIS VIDEO on YouTube (and subscribe while you're there!) I'll be blogging more regularly again-see you all soon!

As we are on our healing journey and recognize rest and slowing down, ease, serenity, and safety as possible for us and likely part of the goals we're growing towards, vs. overwhelm, feeling stuck and in survival mode. We start moving towards a more regulated, ventral, centered experience of life through regulating and resourcing our nervous system, through tending to our inner child, releasing wounds somatically, setting boundaries with ourselves and others so we can enjoy more ease, peace, spaciousness. And our nervous system can have a strong counter response to this progress. Because of the influences of systems that reinforce "hustle and grind" culture and even necessitate living in survival mode, coupled with our own individual and generational trauma histories, ease, flow, prioritizing ourselves, and setting boundaries have likely NOT served us until this point in our lives. In fact, people pleasing, hustling, never stopping to question what we want, what feels good for us, what is in alignment for us may have helped us receive love, attention, or even helped us survive systems from our families of origin to certain work environments. Healing means we become willing to release those formerly helpful patterns that are now keeping us stuck, stressed out and in overwhelm. . . and ultimately keeping us in mis-aligned relationships and in an inauthentic life. I'm not being dramatic friends. . . this is literally life changing to understand and heal. Even when we’re aware of our past traumas and how harmful “hustle and grind” culture is, we can have a hard time letting go of that programming and regulating & resourcing our nervous systems to live in a more restful, peaceful, easeful way. As I work with my clients to deprogram, support their nervous systems, and set boundaries to decrease overwhelm and toxic situationships, they create more space, flow, and calm in their lives. They feel more in control of themselves and their lives. They feel more intentional in their choices. They smile and cry and say they’ve never felt so happy, relaxed, and aware. I have clients who leave soul sucking jobs, set boundaries with or leave toxic relationships, who learn to put their self care as a priority and step into their worthiness. . . and after all this hard work they sometimes feel worse not better for a short time. This is because their protector parts come pushing back harder with messages like “this won’t last” “you SHOULD be doing more!” “How dare you put yourself first/say no to your MOTHER,” etc. It makes sense that we can be uneasy in ease. So if you're just becoming aware that hustle and grind, overachieving, being the "busiest" and doing "the most" isn't serving you, I celebrate you!! If you are trying to slow down and embrace more rest, play, delight, softness, and presence and finding it difficult- it's just your brain doing it's #1 job: to keep you ALIVE with it's motto "this (pattern/behavior/etc) has kept you alive this long, why stop?!" Your body is doing what it thinks it needs to do to survive by that internal impulse to keep moving-to people please-to never stop. . . And part of healing is learning to tune in. To discern. To honor our protective parts and show them it’s safe to rest. To notice when that impulse of reactivity arises and temper it with somatic tools. Remember healing is two steps forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back (repeat forever lol!) As trauma survivors we're really good at handing crisis. Now as we need to build our capacity to rest. Rest is our birthright and for so many of (women & femmes, BIPOC) it hasn't been safe to, or we haven't been allowed to or had access to, rest. So let's start by moving a little slower, relaxing our muscles in our body as we're able to, prioritizing ourselves in some small way, saying no/setting an accessible boundary that's "low risk" (like saying NO to the waiter who tries to refill your coffee after you've already said you're done) to start to show our nervous system that stillness, self care, and slowing down is safe. Or as an old Buddhist teaching says, just be present with washing one dish (or whatever is right in front of you to do). I used to practice mindful walking when I would walk down one hallway in my home by noticing my feet on the floor, checking in with my body, and giving myself permission to take 3 more seconds to walk that hallway slowly. Can you even take up 3 more seconds of space in your life? Notice how that question lands in your body. You deserve all the pleasure, joy, relaxation, and ease that's available to anybody else. If you're a trauma survivor I say you ESPECIALLY deserve to access these experiences that lead to you calling in conscious relationships and creating an intentional life. With Compassion,
Cassandra Solano, MSW PS: If you're ready for a highly supportive intimate and transformational experience to do the deep healing so you can craft the life you desire, I invite you to work with me as a 1:1 client in my 6 month program, RELATIONSHIP ALCHEMY . Click the link to learn more, fill out an interest for and let's get together for a 45 minute complimentary discovery call. And make sure to follow @thenapministry on instagram to support your hustle and grind deconditioning journey

When people used to say "trust the process" or it's "about the journey not the destination" I would literally CRINGE. First of all, I'm an Aries and I like to get things DONE. Secondly, in our Western Culture we don't celebrate the process, only the outcomes. The stories of struggles, starts and stops, and long roads to success are hardly normalized and an occasional inspirational story in our social media feeds. So when I learned about Motivational Interviewing and the "Stages of Change" model in college, it rocked my world. I finally began to understand what the process of change is, that change happens LONG before any external, visible, or measurable outcome, and that it's not a linear process. Initially developed for substance abuse treatment, these stages can be applied to any kind of change you're trying to make in life. Please note these are not linear, that we can be at different stages in different areas of our lives, and that there are things we can do to intentionally progress ourselves through change. The stages are: precontemplative, contemplative, preparation, action, maintenance, recycle. Precontemplative "What's the Problem?" In this stage a person is "problem unaware." There may or may not be measurable consequences, a visible pattern of less than optimal functioning, people in their lives trying to point out the problem. . . but a person does not perceive the pattern or behavior as problematic. Contemplative "This may need to change" In this stage a something has happened externally and/or internally to lead a person to become aware that there is a problem with their behaviors, patterns, approaches, lifestyle choices, etc. The person is aware the current way of being is not serving them but unsure what to do. Preparation "What Can I Do About It?"
In this stage a person is actively researching what to do about the issue. They may be googling the problem, getting on reddit, IG, Tik Tok, reading self help books, etc. of experts or other people who have overcome the problem to gain more understanding and make a plan. Action Doing the thing In this stage a person is starting therapy, seeing their doctor, enrolling in college, setting boundaries, going to a self help group, (for example) and has initiated the actual steps & implementation it ACTUALLY takes to change. The person may be starting to envision themselves as someone who lives without the problem and has hope. Maintenance Keep on Growing In this stage a person is continuing to take action in maintaining the change. They may have changed external situations, routines, lifestyle, support systems, etc. to assist the change. They have internalized a new identity as a survivor, healing, a warrior; or more specifically a college student, someone in healthy relationships, a vegan, etc. What's needed for maintenance evolves over time. Recycle/Relapse/Spiralic Healing New Lessons Most of us will "relapse" when making change and will do so many times; whether it be people pleasing, getting out of unhealthy relationships, letting go of food substances that we're not in a healthy relationship with, etc. We may cycle back to any of the prior stages. This does not mean we've failed. In a spiralic healing mentality these moments become lessons to grow from, integrate, and deepen our healing journey. I help clients who have been in preparation for awhile and are ready to step into action; or may have been in action (going to therapy, reading self help books, etc) for YEARS but haven't been able to make the changes in their relationships & lives they're hoping for. If you're ready for a deep level of support-reach out to me at hello@cassandrasolano.com And if you want more on the stages of change, check out this full workshop HERE! Thanks for checking out my blog today. Sending you lots of love and compassion for wherever you are in your healing journey! Warmly,
Cassandra Solano, MSW

Watch this video to understand more deeply how systems of oppression and harm such as the patriarchy, capitalism, racism and more profoundly impact the lives of women and femmes (especially of color) from our relationship to ourselves, others, what we accept and believe we are worthy of, our mental health, and more. (video originally recorded for a workshop in my now on hold online membership). Want to watch part two with more info, actionable steps and more reflection questions? Fill out your info below to get instant access to the rest of this workshop!

Attachment Wounds are often under recognized because they can come from emotional trauma. And our culture continues to minimize or deny the reality and impact of trauma. Just look at the GOP representatives attacked at the capital who turned around and denied any impact on themselves and even mocked other colleagues for sharing they felt emotionally impacted by the attack. Research in neuroscience over the last decade has shown over and over that emotional traumas impact our nervous system & brain development much like physical traumas. If you're a believer in science like me, you'll be relieved to hear that there is evidence proving you aren't "broken" or "messed up" or "crazy" if you're struggling because of past emotional wounds. And these past wounds impact our relationships in profound ways. If you've been following me for awhile, you know that your past wounds are impacting your relationships. If you're new around these parts, welcome. And FYI: your past wounds including childhood emotional neglect are impacting your relationships. We call emotional injuries impacting our ability to have healthy relationships attachment wounds. It is ok to say simply "this is how I was raised impacted my brain and nervous system development, this is how what I saw about relationships growing up and how I was treated shaped my ideas about relationships and the skill level I came into adulthood with" you are stating facts. I'm not into the let's "blame mom and dad" game. That keeps us from moving forward. But we have to recognize the impact the quality (or lack of) caregiving we received had on us. What the attachment research also shows us is that if we didn't have healthy relationships, attunement (feeling seen, felt, and heard), and nurturing as a child (or didn't get it consistently or often enough) as adults we: wont recognize it, won't resonate with it, and can have difficulty "taking it in." To put it another way: if you didn't experience secure attachment as a kid, it's easy to miss or reject the opportunity for a securely attached relationship as an adult. This can explain why we're attracted to the "wrong" type of person for us, it's what we connect with on some level. The neuroscience research says what wasn't "mirrored and contained" for you can't stick . For example, if you fell and were hurt, crying in pain, and your adult caregiver told you to "stop crying/suck it up/I'll give you something to cry about/etc" instead of "you're really hurt/you have an owie/I would cry too/I see your cut let's get you a band aid but first lets give you a hug to calm down" as an adult, someone reflecting your experience, holding space for you, showing empathy and responsiveness, may feel uncomfortable. It may be so uncomfortable you dismiss them or push the help or the person away. This can lead to us unconsciously "filtering out" healthy relationships and hanging onto ones that in some way reflect the wounding left by our caregivers. And the difficulty is, we often don't know what's missing until we start on this journey of self reflection. We can learn to identify how our attachment wounds impacted us. We can identify parts of ourselves and reclaim our wholeness. Often in finding these missing parts of ourselves we begin to live more authentic lives, find and ACCEPT healthier relationships into our lives. To help you in your journey, I've created a free guide for you to help you get clearer on your attachment wounds & to start living from a more whole, authentic place. CLICK HERE to get the guide "Reclaiming Ourselves" This guide is for you regardless of your attachment style! Don't forget to grab the guide here! With Compassion, Cassandra Solano, LCSW