All About Verbal, Psychological & Emotional Abuse

Let's talk about verbal abuse today. If you notice you're feeling a little activated, want to delete this email or shut down, I invite you to stay and be curious. Even if you do not relate, it's very likely your sibling, your friend, even your parent or child may end up in a verbally abusive dynamic one day.

Unfortunately, verbal (psychological, emotional) and financial abuse are more common than we think. When you live in a patriarchal society that prioritizes dominance over cooperation, power over relationships, violence over safety, we will see this over culture trickle down into our work places, our relationships and our parenting. It's baked into our culture and how we've learned to relate and no one is immune. So please be compassionate and know even I, as a therapist, was a victim of verbal abuse.

I spent countless hours circling the drain of my first marriage analyzing it and trying to figure out what the problem was. He didn't hit me, cheat on me, or get drunk every night. So why did I feel worse about myself year after year, abandoned, and like a single mother?

Finally, a friend told me about the book “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” by Patricia Evans. I could have highlighted the entire book.

In the book, she provides a list of “Relationship Rights.” Do you see all of these in your relationship? 

1. The right to goodwill from the other.

2. The right to emotional support.

3. The right to be heard by the other and to be responded to with courtesy.

4. The right to have your own view, even if your mate has a different view.

5. The right to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.

6. The right to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you find offensive.

7. The right to clear and informative answers to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.

8. The right to live free from accusation and blame.

9. The right to live free from criticism and judgment.

10. The right to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect.

11. The right to encouragement.

12. The right to live free from emotional and physical abuse.

13. The right to live free from angry outbursts and rage.

14. The right to be called by no name that devalues you.

15. The right to be respectfully asked rather than ordered. (Evans, p.122)

For those of us who grew up in verbally or physically abusive homes, had authoritarian or emotionally immature parents, we may not have known we have these rights. 

She also outlines 15 types of verbally abusive behaviors (though there are likely more). Do you see any of these in your relationships, now or in the past? 

Withholding – Refusing to listen or share one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams.

Countering – Seeing your partner as an adversary and constantly correcting them.

Discounting – Devaluing and discounting your partner’s perspective and point of view.

Verbal abuse disguised as jokes – Disparaging comments like “you’re so blonde…”

Blocking and diverting – Controlling communication by deciding what will be discussed.

Accusing and blaming – Blaming the other person for one’s anger, irritation or insecurity.

Judging and criticizing – “You” statements like “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re a nag.”

Trivializing – Communicating that what your partner has said or done is insignificant.

Undermining – Sabotaging things or relationships important to the partner.

Threatening – Intimidating by threatening to physically hit, leave her or get a divorce.

Name-calling – Overtly using put-downs and hurtful words to label and demean.

Forgetting – Using manipulation and denial and “forgetting” important things.

Ordering – Giving orders instead of asking respectfully for what one wants.

Denial – Denying the reality of the abuse by saying “I never did that” or “you’re getting upset about nothing” and other forms of denial.

Abusive anger – Using anger, rage, irritability and sarcasm to instill fear and control your partner.

Several of these could fall into a category we'd call gaslighting.

Gaslighting is NOT disagreeing with someone, having a different viewpoint, or remembering things differently than someone else. 

It's defined as to “manipulate (someone) using psychological methods into questioning their own sanity or powers of reasoning.”

At the end of my marriage, I thought I was loosing my mind. I even considered unaliving myself because I thought my kids would be better off without a “crazy” mother who was “delusional” that “imagined” things and was “too emotional.” Quoted words are ones I often heard from my ex.

Gaslighting is pervasive and a way someone exerts control. 

Finally, D.A.R.V.O. is another abuse strategy that I often see with my clients. It stands for “deny, attack, reverse victim-offender.” This is often used when a victim holds the mirror up and calls out the harmful behavior. An emotionally mature, healthy person may not like hearing it, and may even get defensive, angry, or shut down. . . but will eventually take in the feedback, validate the other person's experience, and seek to make amends. 

However someone seeking power, control and dominance cannot show vulnerability, which they learned is weakness in their past. So they deny what they are being accused of, attack the other person (how dare you say this, you don't appreciate what I do for you, etc) with the goal to “reverse victim-offender” and before you know it, you, the person who felt wronged initially are apologizing for something you did 2 months ago and feel discombobulated by the end of the conversation. This is the final stage of verbal abuse: crazymaking. 

If you'd like to identify the specific ways verbally abusive people use logical fallacies to control conversations check out this video.

Remember I thought I was actually crazy? The thing that saved me was having safe people to vent to, and a moment of clarity: I had recently been promoted to the position of Clinical Director at work, and in that role I had over 100 clients, 30 staff and interns, and a 3 million dollar budget to oversee. I think my Guides helped me realize I would not be in a position of so much responsibility if I was “crazy.” That I couldn't be “crazy” at home and then so sane at work I was trusted with so much responsibility. That “reality testing” moment (as it's called in CBT) snapped me out of the spell of abuse.

When you are dealing with someone who is verbally abusive, you are dealing with a person who likely also did not have a positive example of relationships, experienced trauma, and does not understand healthy relational dynamics. You can have compassion for them, but it does not mean they need to be in your life or close to you. When someone only knows how to be in relationships through power and control dynamics, there is not much hope for true vulnerability, intimacy, safety and connection. While you may have experienced that with them early on, it's often part of their strategy to get close to you, a mask.

Sending you so much love and compassion if you resonated with this email, or see a loved one struggling in a verbally abusive relationship. I highly recommend “The Verbally Abusive Relationship” if you are still unsure, or not ready yet to get support like therapy, or a 12 step program like Codependents Anonymous, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Emotionally Immature Parents, or Al-Anon (for loved ones of alcoholics and addicts). There are many meetings for these 12 step organizations online. N.A.M.I. (the National Alliance of Mental Illness) also has an online support group for loved ones of those struggling with mental illness. 

If you'd like to connect with me for support, click here to learn about working 1:1 with me. 

With Compassion,

Cassandra Solano, LCSW