Updated: Jul 15, 2020
I'm here to keep it real with you.
And honestly? Change is hard. And it's not always hard in ways you'd expect.
I love the bliss of a good meditation, the high after a yoga class, and using beautiful crystals and sage as much as the next basic New Age millennial (ok, I'm using the term millenial liberally as a 37 year old woman) and all that "love and light" stuff.
But the real work, the "shadow work" where true transformation in the core of your being and in your life lies in making big changes.
Think of something you'd like to change but haven't been able to. People pleasing? Controlling behavior? Being taken advantage of? Always being there for others but they don't return the favor?
I bet you don't WANT to be stuck in those patterns of behavior. So why is it so hard to change?
Simply put, you're wired to be that way. As effed up as it is, your nervous system knows that the old familiar way of being has guaranteed your survival in the past, and as we know your nervous system is King when it comes to changing patterns.
So if you've had an overbearing parent who (perhaps due to their own untreated trauma) never let your voice be heard, you learned to keep silent to survive and not suffer the pain of being silenced, put down, criticised, etc.
Now you have a hard time speaking your truth with your loved one, and despite wanting to voice your opinion, speak up and be heard, your nervous system gets a whiff of this and puts the brakes on it.
Your brain says "I want to speak up!" and your body says "oh HELL no! Don't you remember what happened when we were 4 and we tried to voice our needs? We were punished and it was so painful that we cannot let that happen again."
Kinda cool how our bodies protect us from harm, and they're so good at it they will do it without us even thinking. Ever get a "frog in your throat?"
So when it comes to making change that's hard, take baby steps.
And if you are realizing you need support in this, I'm here for it sis.
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
Yay for New Friends!
Hi there! I'd love to gift you a free handout on a huge key to having healthy relationships: Attachment Styles. Your attachment style is just as important as your enneagram or horoscope in helping you understand yourself!