Disclaimer: no victims of abuse ask, consent, or sign up for abuse. Also abuse is not an overnight matter. Physical and emotional abuse usually builds over time, and there are a lot of biological, psychological, even social factors in how/why people are in abusive relationships.
And one of these factors in why we may have subconsciously choose someone who we would end up in an unhappy relationship with is our basic survival instinct. From our own actual needs in life (maybe you were financially struggling), unresolved family of origin wounds (attachment and other traumas), and how abuse works including trauma bonding, there was something about why/how we “choose” these partners in the first place.
⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I used to beat up on myself when I realized I was in an unhealthy marriage, I spiraled for hours trying to analyze how and why I “picked” (parenthesis because so much of this is unconscious when you haven’t done your inner work), that man and feeling like it was my fault so I should try to make it work, or felt ashamed for being in that situation in the first place.
It’s not your fault, there’s so many factors in how and why you’re in this situation. But you can start to heal and get the clarity you need to move forward.
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
Yay for New Friends!
Hi there! I'd love to gift you a free handout on a huge key to having healthy relationships: Attachment Styles. Your attachment style is just as important as your enneagram or horoscope in helping you understand yourself!