Struggling in Relationships is an Outcome of Trauma
I specialize in helping folks that have a past history of trauma, emotional abuse or neglect, and that come from dysfunctional families date intentionally, learn and implement healthy relationship skills .
I chose this focus because I believe that one of the worst things about having a tough childhood or having inherited trauma, because your parents/caregivers are survivors of some kind of trauma, is that our nervous systems and our attachment styles are negatively impacted.
When we experience nervous system and attachment wounding, we often end up in relationships that are not aligned.
These relationships can include romantic, friendship, relationships with our careers, collages, even food and money.
You didn't ask for a tough childhood or to inherit intergenerational trauma. And I think it really sucks that all of our relationships are often negatively impacted because of things out of our control as children.
But alas, here we are-struggling in relationships because of our unhealed wounds, dysregulated nervous systems, insecure attachment styles, unhealthy relationship skills and patterns, and despite knowing that we want to change-finding it challenging to break free of old cycles keeping us stuck.
Having a dysregulated nervous system (being in fight, flight, freeze, fawn, shut down) literally impairs how our BRAINS THINK. Dysregulation impacts our PERCEPTION, THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and subsequently our actions. I have had many clients who realized they were "people pleasers" (the fawning trauma response) most of their adult lives and ended up with friends who took them for granted and in one-sided relationships.
Having insecure attachment (anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment style) impacts what we look for in relationships, how we engage in relationships, how we handle conflict, and SO MUCH MORE. We can all grow towards SECURE attachment no matter how old we are! First by starting to create secure attachment within ourselves, then taking that into our relationships (to learn more attachment styles, download my free attachment styles guide HERE.)
Many of us did not see healthy relationship skills like communication, boundaries, conflict management, difficult convos around parenting and finances, etc. growing up. It's almost impossible to learn these skills without education, modeling, and practice. This is where mentorship, a healing community, working with a coach or therapist is crucial. We need to surround ourselves with regulated, safe people who we can learn from! Without having this vital socialization growing up, we often don't "click" with people with healthy relationship skills and feel people who mirror our dysfunctional childhood "resonate" with us more.
You deserve healthy, conscious, aligned, fulfilling, life-giving relationships. It's possible for you to heal and learn to create them!
I'm here if you're ready for support, I'm accepting 2 new 1:1 clients to start in August. CLICK HERE for deets!
With Compassion, Cassandra Solano, MSW