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How Old Are You When You Go Home?

Updated: Jul 15, 2020

Relationships and family systems are an entity in themselves, and they don't like change.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Meaning when you "go home" your family may treat you like you're still the 8 or 18 year old the system wants to keep you locked in as.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Family systems theory teaches us that systems, just like biological and environmental systems, will always strive for homeostasis, or balance. Systems like to stay the same and as you change, grow, do your personal development, go to therapy and stop playing the role of. . . (the people pleaser, the compliant one, the hero child, the scapegoat, the invisible child, the black sheep, the fawner, etc.) your family system will try to pressure you to stay the same.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So you may notice when you go home and being triggered you are falling back into some of those old patterns or roles you've worked so hard to change.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I share with my clients that it's hardest to maintain the new changes in regards to boundaries, etc when we are with our families of origin.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Because these family systems are POWERFUL and you can be sucked right back into your old "role" in the system without even realizing it.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ So if you become aware that you're feeling like your misunderstood or ignored 8 year old self, or like your people pleasing teenage self, or that people aren't respecting your boundaries because you've been at grandma's for 2 hours and forgot what the hell those were, it's OK.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ I know you went into the holiday week with a plan for boundaries, and really intended to show up differently and shift your experience with your family.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ But you showed up, you didn't run and hide. You are trying to show up differently, and it's a process.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ Remember it's never too late to start the day over and if you're reading this, take some deep breaths, get yourself regulated, and start over.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀

With Compassion,

Cassandra Solano, LCSW


Yay for New Friends!

Hi there! I'd love to gift you a free handout on a huge key to having healthy relationships: Attachment Styles. Your attachment style is just as important as your enneagram or horoscope in helping you understand yourself!

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