Updated: Jul 15, 2020
Ok babe, you are Miss Independent and like to get the job done yourself because of your competence. You don't put a lot of faith in people to keep yourself from being let down or disappointed. You may feel you have a wall up around your heart and no one gets too close. If this sounds like you, the path towards helping you heal this attachment wound is all about asking for help, vulnerability, softening, and connection.
Practice for Avoidants: Ask for Help.
I know this sounds simple, but let me go into more detail here.
Asking your partner to take over paying a bill, asking your work colleague to cover a call for you, asking your kids to do another chore, asking your in laws to babysit so you can take a yoga class (or a nap, no judgement)! Any of these things make you cringe just a little bit? Like maybe you don't even remember the last time you delegated or asked for help?
That gut reaction of hesitancy or even stress when thinking of asking for help is linked to the many times your cries for help when you were very young weren't responded to properly. This is why "crying it out" is just awful advice. I know, sad stuff. But remember we're not in the parent blame game here! Some of our parents were suffering from trauma themselves, were emotionally unavailable, struggling with addiction, stress, poverty, etc. and did the best they could with the resources they had.
The key to getting the connection and intimacy you truly desire lies in vulnerability. And you cannot be vulnerable when you are in superwoman mode. Allow yourself to soften up a little bit and ask for help even with one small thing. Notice how it feels to have your request heard and responded to. Really feel how it feels to be helped. This simple process will start healing your inner child who wasn't helped or responded to.
Try asking for help in things in incremental increases of need/vulnerability and allow yourself to process how you feel in your body when you're being helped. Having awareness of any stress, relaxation, happiness you feel in asking for and receiving help is literally re-wiring your brain and putting you on the path to healing!
Cassandra Solano, LCSW
Yay for New Friends!
Hi there! I'd love to gift you a free handout on a huge key to having healthy relationships: Attachment Styles. Your attachment style is just as important as your enneagram or horoscope in helping you understand yourself!